Want To Know How To Provoke The Volturi?
by I'mADarkWriter
Summary: What would happen if you stole all the Guard's cloaks and wrote "I Sparkle" on the back of them in glitter glue? What about introducing them to The Jersey Shore?
1. Chapter 1

First 10 ways to annoy/ get killed by the Volturi!

1) Tell Marcus that Aro killed Didyme.

2.) Brag endlessly to Aro that Edward's gift is better.

3.) Tell the Volturi that Emmett told the whole school that vampires are real. Then tell them that he proved it... *let's go kill the Cullen's!*

4.) Take all of their cloaks and write on the back of them "I SPARKLE" in glitter-glue.

5.) Buy them each a gallon of spray tan, and then make them watch every single Jersey Shore episode and yell at them that they would be cooler if they were like that!

6.) Tell them the Death Eaters called and they want their Cloaks back.

7.) Turn the Throne room into a stage just like America's got talent, but spray paint "Immortals got talent" on a banister and hang it up.

8.) Tell Aro that Marcus knows and walk away. Do not tell him what Marcus knows.

9.) Bring a real Child of the Moon to the throne room, Tie Caius to his throne and make the Child of the moon sit on his lap.

10.) When Aro asks you to join the Volturi, Demand endless cookies.

I demand at least three reviews for the next ten ways. Evil? I think so. Demonic? Possibly. Having the 'Beiber-fever'? NOPE!


	2. Chapter 2

_**This next chapter is dedicated to **_bcrepn _**coz they gave me two ideas for this! Just because I'm in a happy mood, Imma make this chapter 15 ways. I got half of these from the internet.**_

11.) Keep repeatedly asking Aro why he won't give Joey Ramone's hair back.

12.) On entering the Masters Chambers break out into a disco dance, and start singing  
>"I'm hot blooded check it and see! I've gotta fever of a hundred and three!" and so on.<p>

13.) If you're a vampire go sunbathing and ask Aro if he wouldn't like to come because he looks quite pale.

14.) Ask Heidi where she got her contacts because you'd love to have orange eyes for next Halloween.

15.) Come up with a few of immortal children and give one to each female of the coven, saying them you want to do an experiment on their maternal instinct.

16.) When Aro touches you, seeing your memory, imagine as good as possible that he is walking through a flower-covered meadow singing "I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty..."

17.) Make sure the only clothes Alec and Jane have left in their closet are Hippie-style and identically the same looking. When they step outside their rooms make sure they see each other. Then shout "Family picture!" and take a picture

18.) Go to them telling you're engaged to a werewolf and ask Jane and Heidi to be your bridesmaids and Aro to be your best man... showing them the old-styled peach-colored tuxedo and dresses (all trimmed with lace, the dresses not having any cleavage at all and a little umbrella)

19.) Next time Heidi comes back with 'food' ask if you can keep one of them as a pet (add a "PLEASEEEEEEEEEE" when you look at Aro)

20.) Stare at Jane non-stop and when she asks you what you're doing say "I'm trying to use my powers against you, like you did with Bella..."

21.) Ask Jane if she and Alec ever had an incestuous relationship and how long it was

22.) When Caius is in a bad mood, tell him, "No more O negative for you!"

23.) Sing "I Am a Vampire" by Antsy Pantsy during an important meetings

24.) Hum the Darth Vader theme whenever they enter a room.

25.) Buy them moisturizers for their really weird looking skin.

26.) When they say something like "Why me?" casually answer "Because you're damned and God hates you"

27.) Make a movie about them in the style of a discovery channel documentary, ex:"this is the vampire in their natural habitat... oh they spotted me... and they don't look to happy..."

28.) When Aro attempts to touch you yell "Mind rape! Mind rape!"

29.) Sneak into the feeding room and play dead, when you are the last one left alive jump up and yell "I WIN IN YOUR FACE!" and continue to do a victory dance.

30.) Introduce Aro and Felix to dance, dance revolution.

31.) Dance around them in little circles saying "I know something you don't know" and when they finally ask what say "I don't know... I thought you knew?"

32.) Shoot things at Caius whenever he tries to speak.

33.) Lock Caius in a room of angry Bella fans

_**Alright, startled you there right? You wanted fifteen and I gave you eight more! Yeah! I know, you should worship me. **_


	3. All the way to 50!

_**Sorry 'bout the wait me loyal scallywags!(readers xp) But I was all busy with Christmas eve and I GOT MY LEFT EYEBROW PIERCED :DDDD Yeass! Okay, Chapter three! I will be sad to say that this is the final chapter coz I'm working on these mini stories of these I can work with! Anyway, this list will include ALL of the ways and it will go up to #50! Yeah, so let's get started!**_

1) Tell Marcus that Aro killed Didyme.

2.) Brag endlessly to Aro that Edward's gift is better.

3.) Tell the Volturi that Emmett told the whole school that vampires are real. Then tell them that he proved it... *let's go kill the Cullen's!*

4.) Take all of their cloaks and write on the back of them "I SPARKLE" in glitter-glue.

5.) Buy them each a gallon of spray tan, and then make them watch every single Jersey Shore episode and yell at them that they would be cooler if they were like that!

6.) Tell them the Death Eaters called and they want their Cloaks back.

7.) Turn the Throne room into a stage just like America's got talent, but spray paint "Immortals got talent" on a banister and hang it up.

8.) Tell Aro that Marcus knows and walk away. Do not tell him what Marcus knows.

9.) Bring a real Child of the Moon to the throne room, Tie Caius to his throne and make the Child of the moon sit on his lap.

10.) When Aro asks you to join the Volturi, Demand endless cookies.

11.) Keep repeatedly asking Aro why he won't give Joey Ramone's hair back.

12.) On entering the Masters Chambers break out into a disco dance, and start singing  
>"I'm hot blooded check it and see! I've gotta fever of a hundred and three!" and so on.<p>

13.) If you're a vampire go sunbathing and ask Aro if he wouldn't like to come because he looks quite pale.

14.) Ask Heidi where she got her contacts because you'd love to have orange eyes for next Halloween.

15.) Come up with a few of immortal children and give one to each female of the coven, saying them you want to do an experiment on their maternal instinct.

16.) When Aro touches you, seeing your memory, imagine as good as possible that he is walking through a flower-covered meadow singing "I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty..."

17.) Make sure the only clothes Alec and Jane have left in their closet are Hippie-style and identically the same looking. When they step outside their rooms make sure they see each other. Then shout "Family picture!" and take a picture

18.) Go to them telling you're engaged to a werewolf and ask Jane and Heidi to be your bridesmaids and Aro to be your best man... showing them the old-styled peach-colored tuxedo and dresses (all trimmed with lace, the dresses not having any cleavage at all and a little umbrella)

19.) Next time Heidi comes back with 'food' ask if you can keep one of them as a pet (add a "PLEASEEEEEEEEEE" when you look at Aro)

20.) Stare at Jane non-stop and when she asks you what you're doing say "I'm trying to use my powers against you, like you did with Bella..."

21.) Ask Jane if she and Alec ever had an incestuous relationship and how long it was

22.) When Caius is in a bad mood, tell him, "No more O negative for you!"

23.) Sing "I Am a Vampire" by Antsy Pantsy during an important meetings

24.) Hum the Darth Vader theme whenever they enter a room.

25.) Buy them moisturizers for their really weird looking skin.

26.) When they say something like "Why me?" casually answer "Because you're damned and God hates you"

27.) Make a movie about them in the style of a discovery channel documentary, ex:"this is the vampire in their natural habitat... oh they spotted me... and they don't look to happy..."

28.) When Aro attempts to touch you yell "Mind rape! Mind rape!"

29.) Sneak into the feeding room and play dead, when you are the last one left alive jump up and yell "I WIN IN YOUR FACE!" and continue to do a victory dance.

30.) Introduce Aro and Felix to dance, dance revolution.

31.) Dance around them in little circles saying "I know something you don't know" and when they finally ask what say "I don't know... I thought you knew?"

32.) Shoot things at Caius whenever he tries to speak.

33.) Lock Caius in a room of angry Bella fans

32.) Whenever they walk into a room, start humming the Adams Family theme.

33.) Talk in Transylvanian accents.

34.) Wear fake fangs.

35.) Cancel their account at the blood bank.

36.) Tell them corny vampire jokes. *Ex: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.*

37.) Act offended and cry when they don't think your jokes are funny.

38.) Throw Holy Water at them and scream, "The power of Christ compels you, blood sucking demon!"

39.) Convince Alec that Jane and Aro are in love.

40.) After Jane hears what you've done and tries to hurt you, tell her she's too bi*chy for a baby.

41.) Laugh at Caius for not being gifted like the rest of the coven. Not including the muscle called Felix and Santiago.

42.) Tell the masters that they're old and that IT'S TIME TO RETIRE.

43.) Tell Aro he sounds like an amused child when he laughs.

44.) Tell Aro having Jane around makes him a pedophile and you know what they do.

45.) Tell the master's they are pathetic for having to have Alec and Jane protect them.

46.) Tell Caius bleach is bad for the hair.

47.) Tell Aro he scared away Carlisle.

48.) Tell Jane that, "Demonic little girls are over rated."

49.) Beg Caius for a second chance.

And drum roll please…

50.) When Aro tries to touch you, rip your real pants off revealing MC Hammer pants and dance around him in a circle singing, "Can't touch this!"

_**Well, I'm done. Sorry for the wait but now I can move onto the mini stories!**_


End file.
